This article is scheduled to appear in early 2003 in the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC) newsletter.  ADEC is an international organization of bereavement professionals.

The Death of A Grandchild:  A Complex Grief

            “Could you help me find a book for grieving grandparents?”   That question, posed to me by my mother after my daughter’s stillbirth, was innocent enough.   However, I discovered quickly what bereavement professionals already know:  not much was available.   As a result of my limited results, I decided to seek out and interview bereaved grandparents for their perspectives, hoping to provide the level of support to my mother that I was getting as a bereaved parent.  The result of this research became a book, When a Grandchild Dies:  What to Do, What to Say, How to Cope. 

Scope of Research

With my only experience being my own bereavement, I was unprepared for the complexity of the topic.  Grandparents are a diverse group!  My primary sample included nine individuals, all females, who ranged in age from 40 to 83 (men declined my request for an interview).  I also spoke informally with several others.

The ages of the deceased grandchildren ranged from 28 weeks in utero to 18 years, and the time that had elapsed since the deaths ranged from two months to 17 years.  Causes of death were varied and included heart defects, complications from spina bifida and cerebral palsy, SIDS, murder, and one unknown cause.

Seven grandparents were married, one was widowed, and one was divorced at the time of the interview.   The group was evenly split between parents of bereaved daughters and sons.

I found interview subjects through a variety of methods:  personal acquaintance, a newspaper story, and the Internet.  Whenever possible, I met with them in person.  To assist the others I prepared a questionnaire, the goal of which was to provoke detailed responses.  In personal interviews I used the questionnaire only as a guide, preferring to create an environment that would allow grandparents to expand beyond my questions.  This was useful early on, when one grandmother discussed problems with her daughter-in-law, because in-law problems just weren’t part of my personal experience.

One way my research differs from more objective, scientific research was my bias about the subject; my final product included my own observations and feelings, and I’m sure my grief affected how I approached the interviews.  I could relate more, for example, to newly bereaved grandparents because we were sharing similar experiences.  However, I sought to keep my bias to a minimum by using open-ended questions, presenting all opinions whether or not I agreed with them personally, and seeking prepublication feedback to ensure there were no glaring problems.    

Following are some selected observations from my conversations with grieving grandparents.

Funeral Services:  Setting the Tone

            Five of the grandmothers interviewed were heavily involved in funeral arrangements.  In two of these cases the bereaved parents specifically asked the grandparents to take over.  I was particularly interested in this, because my own response was to plan the funeral almost entirely on my own.  It felt like the only act of parenting available to me; perhaps this is because my daughter was stillborn and I had no other opportunity to be her mother.

            Handling the funeral arrangements seemed to set the tone for the quality of family communication later on.  One grandmother, who was not involved in making the arrangements, was surprised when one of her favorite poems was read at the funeral.  Its inclusion helped her feel involved and supported.

On the other hand, resentments at the funeral tended to snowball afterward.  The most extreme example was one family whose relationship had deteriorated to the point where the grandparents had virtually no contact with the bereaved parents.  In that instance, religious differences came into play at the funeral, and family members felt that only the mother’s wishes were considered.

            The families that fared best were those who discussed family roles during funeral planning, whether or not the grandparents were involved in the details.

Relationships and Support

            Only three reported receiving support within the family, though one grandmother acknowledged that her family would probably be receptive if she would allow them to see her need.  Most of the married grandmothers, five out of seven, were able to receive support from spouses. The other two, however, reported an inability to speak with their husbands.  To one grandmother, married nearly fifty years to her best friend, this was devastating.

            Two respondents were counselors, and though they did not seek counseling themselves they benefited from their training.  One grandmother frequently visualized her grandchild sitting across from her so she could speak aloud all the things she longed to tell her grandchild.  Two others turned to grief counselors for “a few” visits, mostly to validate that their experiences were normal.  The remaining grandmothers had no interest in receiving counseling, and one grandmother was extremely hostile to the idea.  

            Three grandmothers found solace in churches, with one grandmother choosing a different religion based on how some of its members answered questions about death and the afterlife.  Two others attended church services but felt their faith to be shaken.  There did not seem to be a relationship between the length of time since the death and the level of faith.  The most extraordinary story I heard was of the grandmother whose granddaughter had lived for 18 years with severe congenital defects.  During that entire time the church supported their family with calls, casseroles, and condolence!  

            Only one grandmother attended a support group, and she expressed discomfort at being the only grandmother there.  In my own observation, having attended a support group that “welcomes” grandparents, separate groups for grandparents would appear to be a better idea.  Both groups would benefit from being able to speak freely about family difficulties.

            Several grandmothers were enthusiastic about support found on the Internet, and some had create memorial web sites for their grandchildren.  This was a way for grandparents to find and connect with each other.

            The common complaint was the lack of reading material for grandparents, which of course explains their enthusiasm to interview for a book.  Part of my frustration in writing one was having to be so general in my approach.  One newly bereaved grandmother read the manuscript before it was published and was concerned I hadn’t addressed the issue of widowed grandparents who carry the burden of trying to be both grandmother and grandfather.  Another individual wanted to see more about cultural and racial differences in grief styles.    In both cases, I chose to keep the manuscript “as is” because I felt that too much information would be overwhelming.  My hope is that others will step forward and publish more on this subject, and I’m grateful to see more information becoming available.

Epilogue

            Four years have passed since I conducted my research.  Since that time another book has been published (see Resources), and more support is available on the Internet.  I’ve met grief counselors who are starting new support groups for grandparents, and I’m pleased to see this change occurring. 

            Closer to home, my mother has the book she was looking for, in part because she provided feedback on my work while it was in progress.  She felt she benefited most from reading others’ stories so she felt less alone, and from learning to recognize that the silence of others does not connote a lack of caring. 

Once during a talk I was giving, a counselor expressed a feeling of helplessness to respond to grandparents who wished they had died instead of their grandchildren.  “How do I respond to that?”  he asked.  We certainly can’t take away their pain.  In the midst of the complexity and uniqueness of grandparents’ grief, however, lies a simplicity in what helps the most:  listening, caring, and validation.  By providing places for them to share their stories, whether in groups, books, or other venues, we can certainly offer them that.

References (Includes Booklets)

Galinsky, Nadine.  When a Grandchild Dies:  What to Do, What to Say, How to Cope.  Houston, Texas:  Gal In Sky Publishing Company, 1999.

Gerner, Margaret.  For Bereaved Grandparents.  Omaha, Nebraska:  Centering Corporation, 1990.

Reed, Mary Lou.  Grandparents Cry Twice.  Amityville, New York:  Baywood Publishing Company, Inc., 2000.

Schweibert, Pat, RN.   A Grandparent’s Sorrow.  Portland, Oregon:  Perinatal Loss, 1996.

About the Author